Hello again my blogging friends...
It has been quite some time, has it not? I wish I could share with you all the reasons why I have taken a hiatus from blogging and writing in general, but there are some things you don't want to share with the entire www.
I wish I could share the lessons God is taking me through right now, but again, some things need to be kept within ones own self and circle. I can give you the general jist of it, I suppose. Right now, I find myself locked in a room with God, repeatedly asking the question why? Ever been there? Why is this happening to me? Why did you allow this? Why am I dealing with this? Why am I going through this? Why? Why? Why?
The why game is one I've become very familiar with lately. I have a three year old now and we play this almost everyday.
Her: Mom, why is her hair yellow?
Me: Because God made it that way.
Me: Because He thought she would look pretty with yellow hair.
Me: Oh, look a pony!
Her: Mom, why are we going to the grocery store?
Me: Because I need to get something.
Me: Because we need to eat.
Me: Because we need to sustain life.
Me: Have a free Harris Teeter cookie.
Her: Mom, when is GG (that's Grandma) coming?
Her: Why not today?
Me: Because she has to work.
Me: Because she has to make money to pay her bills.
Me: So you can have free McDonald's from her stores. Want some candy?
You get the idea of how this game works. It can actually be fun if you engage and answer the why of a three year old mind whose main purpose is to question rather than understand. I got to thinking about it. I am a lot like this little apple that fell from this tree. Here I've been for months, asking my Father why? why? why? over and over again, moreso to question than to understand. The truth is that sometimes He answers and sometimes He doesn't and either way, the answers don't seem to change my circumstance or emotional state. It's not the answers that bring resolve, but the freedom to question.
I've been in a weird place with everything, including my quiet time. I've bounced between Bible studies and just reading books of the Bible the past couple of months. In my reading, I've been going through two books of two men who ask about as many why's as I do: Job and Habakuk. The part that gets me about these two is that at the end, they still don't get the answers they wanted or hoped for, but they dealt with a lot of their pain by just crying out to God all the why's in their hearts. And maybe that is the only solice we can expect during our time on this earth. The answers may never come here. But, the question is still allowed.
David and the other Psalmists are some other why askers who make me feel a lot less bad for asking that question over and over again like my three year old:
Why, O LORD, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him.
I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?
And even Jesus himself asked the question why in His last moments:
About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"- Matthew 27:46
Sometimes other people can make you feel as though asking the question why is offensive to God. I am convinced this is not the case. But after awhile of the same question and watching everyone around you in their own world of hurt, you start to realize the question you should be asking is not why me, but rather, why not me?
Here's to the why askers...
Until next time,