When news spreads of birds falling out of the sky and superheroes never returning home after routine training, social media shows a
genuine outpouring of love for those who receive the worst news of their lives.
But usually after a few days, it’s business as usual and most of the world
carries on as if nothing happens. Yet for those who hold the title military wife, every broadcast of tragedy
striking our armed forces family, something different happens.
You see the life we lead as those who said I do to a man in a uniform comes with
challenges. Many of which those who chose a banker or a lawyer or a football
coach as a spouse could take a guess at. The goodbyes. The uncertainty. The
single parenting. The moves. Most people can find empathy for those living this
lifestyle.
But underneath is another layer of hard that many don’t
truly understand until you’ve lived it and how with every newsflash of loss
plastered across our Facebook pages, something happens in the soul of a
military wife. I’ve done this for over 12 years now and I can honestly say, it
never gets easier. When the words crash and
casualties are uttered, my hearts
stops beating. Because every one of us has been holding our breaths ever since
our man said the other most important vow he has ever made. We all stopped
breathing when he promised to support and
defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and
domestic. Most people think that if he is home, a girl can breathe a little
easier. But those of us in this life know that preparing for war is no safer
than the actual battle. Accidents happen in training. Or perhaps, some think, once
he drops to reserve status, then we can finally exhale. But planes crash flown
by reservists as well as active duty pilots. And so we walk through this world
feeling kind of faint every time the door slams shuts when he leaves for work
and we secretly wonder if he will ever walk back in. We feel so deeply the loss of those in our community, perhaps even
more so than those outside, because we know at
any moment, it could be our turn.
Most of us, I suppose, see this as the greatest curse of
this life. The fact that we never know what tomorrow holds and we never know
when our goodbye is forever. But, after walking alongside Rick in his twenty
years in the Marine Corps, I can honestly say this has been the biggest blessing. Our civilian friends can
sometimes pretend that they have control over their lives and they can believe
it until tragedy awakes them from a slumber and they find out it isn’t true.
But as death has encroached on our inner circle throughout the years, we get
the stark reminder that every moment is a gift and every goodbye should be
given as if it were the last. When you face up to the fact that your husband
has chosen a career in which statistically there is a chance of him never
coming home, you get real cognizant of the fact that time is precious. And every moment
matters. You learn what it truly means to number your days. Slowly, but surely you see the unimportant, the
trivial, and the minutia stripped away in how you spend your time together,
what words you choose and even what you fight about. Sometimes you forget of
course, but then lightning strikes and you get reminded once again. Are these the words I want to be our last? It’s
a sobering question and perhaps a bit morbid, but it is the one we must ask ourselves daily.
I struggled the first several years of our marriage with a
debilitating fear of losing Rick. I would look at the clock, estimate when his
helicopter should be touching the ground, and call incessantly until I heard
his voice. There have been countless nights when I didn’t get a call and I
would convince myself in the darkness of the night that this was it, this was what I was afraid of. Only to feel like
a complete fool when I finally heard the sound of his voice and an explanation
that his phone had died or he had extra paperwork that night. The hardest part
for my kind is that we see ourselves and
our loves in every heartbreaking loss. We know that it can feel like we are
just playing a game of Russian roulette and there is not much but perhaps luck
or an act of God that separates us from knocks at the door by two uniformed
CACO officers.
People want to know what to do in these moments to help
those impacted by such pain, but perhaps more importantly, is what we do to
help in the moments in between. There is nothing more dangerous than being
alone and a mind full of fears in the dailyness of military living. It wears
and tears so deeply on a soul. So, how do you help the military wife next door?
1.
Recognize that she doesn’t feel any safer when
her husband is “just away at training” compared to a deployment. She can be
struggling with the same fears because military
training is always meant to imitate the real thing. Don’t show support only
during a deployment. She needs it at all
times.
2.
Know what to do when you see a news story about
something happening to a military member. DO
NOT call and ask her if her husband is ok. Be careful what you post on
social media that connects names. Too many women have found out that something
is wrong by a well-intentioned phone call from a friend or even someone far
more removed from her inner circle, like a realtor. If you’re not ready to be
the bearer of bad news, don’t pick up the phone or share the article on
Facebook. Pray until you hear from
those potentially affected by a mishap.
3.
An anxious mind coupled with loneliness can
breed all sorts of frightening scenarios. The night seems to only exacerbate it.
Offer to come over with a favorite movie and some cookie dough. Silence can be stifling.
You don’t have to make it sound like a pity party, but let her know that you
can understand that nights can be lonely and you’d love to provide her with
some adult conversation (especially if she is a mama) and caloric distractions.
4.
Teach her what it means to place her husband in
God’s hands. Model it. I distinctly remember at the height of my anxiety at the
thought of losing Rick, God said, Ok, if
it happens, then what? I was taken aback by His line of questioning and I replied,
well, I’d be completely broken and I
probably wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. To which he responded, then what? I thought about it for a few
days and thought, well, eventually I
guess I’d get out of bed and try to care for my kids. We continued this
back and forth until I came to see His point. I’d be utterly devastated. My
world would never be the same. But, like so many of my friends who have had
their lives turned upside down by grief, life
would continue on. Never in the same way. But, God would carry me through
each step. It’s an overwhelming reality to confront the fragility of this life,
but it is one we all, military or not,
will at some point encounter in our journey. We cannot cling to those in
our lives as if they’re ours to begin with and that we fully understand the master plan. I am thoroughly convinced that it’s
only through a deep relationship with God, knowing Him and starting to unravel
His love for us that we can learn to
accept and even embrace the pain of this life. I know so many military wives who struggle with this. They need older
women, women more mature in their faith, couples who can be like parents or
grandparents away from home, pouring into their lives on a daily basis to teach
them this kind of trust that places its most prized possessions into the hands
of a good and loving Father.
Military wife can
really feel more like tightrope walker.
It can feel like you’re just trying to keep it all together, balancing
perfectly, so as not to completely fall. The fears, the uncertainty, and the
reminder that with each kiss that sends our guy off there is a sister next to us
who will never say hello again can
keep us feeling like we are walking on a wire while holding our breath. It
means at times we can be flakey friends, whose schedules seem to revolve around
the United States Marine Corps’ plan for our man. Know that doesn’t mean we
love you any less, but just that we have to take advantage of every single moment we have together.
Because every few months, another story will rock our world and leave us dangling
off the edge of that tightrope. And because birds fall out of the sky and
superheroes never return home sometimes.